Shared Parenting Guidelines
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Both parents should make every attempt to continue to play a
vital part
in the lives of their children. Children need the ongoing interest and
concern of their parents. Children must feel they have two parents who
love them, even though those parents could not live happily with each
other.
If you are like most parents, you probably have some feelings
of
isolation, despair, depression, loneliness, grief, guilt and a loss of self-confidence. You are worried about many things.
The way you feel about yourself will affect the way your
children feel
about themselves. The way you react will in large part determine how
your children will react. Continuing conflicts between you and the
other parent during and after divorce can interfere with your
effectiveness as a parent.
The task of parents is not easy. All parents make mistakes.
But if you
have a good relationship with your children and they feel your love and
acceptance, they will soon forget your mistakes and remember only your
goodness.
The following guidelines have been found to be helpful:
1. It is important to try to
maintain contact between the child and
both parents. Maintaining some form of contact helps the child deal
with his fantasies which are much worse than the reality of what is
happening, helps to decrease feelings that the parents' problems
happened because he is a bad child, and reduces his feelings that he
may never see the other parent again.
2. Exchanges should be
pleasant not only for the children but for both
parents. Spending time with a parent helps your child maintain a
positive relationship with that parent. It is important that neither
parent verbally or physically attack the other parent in the presence
of the children. Children tend to view such attacks as attacks on them.
3. The parent with whom the
children live must prepare them physically
and emotionally for the time with the other parent. The children should
be available promptly at the time mutually agreed upon and returned at
the time agreed upon. They should be encouraged to enjoy their time
with the noncustodial parent.
4. Time with the other
parent should not take place only in the
children's home. A parent may wish the children to visit in his or her
home overnight, or may want to plan an enjoyable outing.
5. The question is often
asked, "Should I take the children to my
girl/boyfriend's house or entertain my girl/boyfriend at my house when
the children are present?" When a child is with a parent it is the time
for the children and parent to be with each other, to enjoy each other,
and to maintain positive relationships. Having other people participate
may dilute the parent-child experience. However, it should not be ruled
out altogether. Having a girl/boyfriend stay overnight when the
children are present may be grounds for a change of custody nr time
sharing.
6. Time with the other
parent should be as frequent as practical. Any
schedules established should be flexible. Should scheduled custodial
times need to be canceled (and sometimes they have to be), inform the
other parent as soon as possible with a full and honest explanation to
the child. Either parent should be able to take children to activities.
7. You may need to adjust
the schedule from time to time according to
your children's age, health and interests.
8. There is value in the
time with each parent. Even though the parents
have not been able to get along, the children still need both parents.
Each parent contributes in a unique way to their child's development.
9. The quality of your time
together is the most important. Activities
may add to the pleasure of the time with a parent, but most important
of all is the parent's involvement with the children. A giving of self
is more important than whatever material things the children receive.
Children should not be pumped for information about the other parent.
They should not be used as little spies. Often in the
children's perception the
parents hate each other and the children will
feel uncomfortable. In the children's mind, if they do anything to
please one parent, they may invite outright rejection by their other
parent. They may feel they have already lost one parent and are fearful
of losing the other. For these reasons, parents should show mutual
respect for each other.
10. Parents should make
every effort to discuss their children's
problems and concerns and to agree on ways to deal with them. Both
parents should strive for agreement in decisions pertaining to the
children, especially discipline, so that one parent is not undermining
the other parent's efforts. These discussions should never be in front
of the children.
11. Parents should also
avoid the following pitfalls:
A. Do not drink alcohol or
use illegal drugs when the children are in
your care.
B. Do not deny the other
parent time with the children because child
support has not been received.
C. Do not fail or refuse to
pay child support because of problems
regarding your time with your children.
D. Do not make promises to
the children you cannot or do not intend to
keep.
E. Do not attempt to cut off
the children's communication with their
grandparents or other relatives or friends with whom they have a close
relationship.
F. Minimize the amount of
time the children are in the care of
strangers or relatives.
More detailed guidelines on shared custody may be found at
http://www.sdjudicial.com under "Procedures." If you have
any problems or questions regarding disputes between parents relating
to their children, you should consult a trained attorney who knows the
facts and may be aware of any changes in the law.
Published by The State Bar
of South Dakota
222 East Capitol
Pierre, SD 57501
(Revised 3/04)
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